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You know, I’ve heard a lot about Mitt Romney in the last few months. He’s out of touch, he’s dismisses the 47 percent, he ties dogs to cars. But there’s one thing about Mitt that no one is talking about: Mitt Romney’s religion and his underwear.

If elected, Romney, he will be the first Mormon President of the United States. Just like Kennedy was the first Catholic and Obama, as many Republicans have suggested, was the first Muslim.

Of course, Mitt Romney’s faith is of little consequence to the Dutch. The Netherlands, on the whole, is not a religious country. Want proof? If you’re Dutch and reading this article, answer me this: When was the last time you regularly went to Church?

Exactly…If the average Dutch person is ever in a church, it’s probably Paradiso.

Americans are different.  And, in America, Romney’s faith is a big deal. Especially since Romney is a Mormon Bishop. He baptized people. He hired clergy. He was a big deal.  I mean, Bush was Christian, but he wasn’t a priest.  Kennedy was Catholic, but he wasn’t head child molester.

Now, a lot of people have some misconceptions about Mormonism, but I know better. I grew up in a town that was loaded with Mormons. My first high-school crush was a Mormon. My best friend was a Mormon. The dude who talked to me until four in the morning about how I am going to hell was a Mormon.  

So let me just clear any misconceptions right now…These guys are weird

Here’s the thing: Mormonism is a Christian faith- Jesus is still at the center- but they adapted it to be American.   It’s got American family values, prosperity thinking, it’s really, really optimistic. Their “Jerusalem” is in Salt Lake City Utah. Their Garden of Eden is a city called Jackson, in Missouri. I mean, I don’t believe in the Garden of Eden at all, but if it did exist, I’m sure it wasn’t a shitty town called Jackson.

You know what Mormonism is?  It’s as if Hollywood makes blockbuster movies; you use a popular book, you set it in America, and you make it more exciting…. That’s what Mormonism is. It’s like they had a Hollywood producer make a religion- “Alright, fellas. America needs a new religion. We’re gonna base it on that best seller, the Bible. We keep the hero, Jesus, lose the Romans, the Jews, and his girlfriend, the whore, give him three to five wives.  Bam! Mormonism!

Which brings us to the Magic Mormon Underwear. That’s right, Mormons wear special silky long johns under all of their clothes.  ALL MORMONS wear these - Including Mitt Romney.

And, here’s the thing: They can never they can never take the underwear off. Mormon’s believe God will come back to earth and take good people to Heaven and bad people to hell. And he’ll know who the Good-Mormon’s are because they’ll be wearing their underwear. They’re like a name tag; a sweaty, dirty name tag that you wear over your privates.

Imagine what this really means, people. On Judgement Day — probably God’s busiest day — the first thing He does is make you pull down your pants? That doesn’t sound like the father of Jesus, it sounds like his creepy uncle.

I remember when I used to get nervous when I talked in front of crowds. My speech coach told me “Just picture the audience in their underwear.” I think Obama’s camp used the same advice before the second and third debates. They said “Hey Obama, If you get nervous in the debates, just imagine Mitt in his underwear; his magic, Mormon underwear.” I think it worked.

Michael Orton-Toliver

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